Finding Bae…

February 14th 

2:30am

“I don’t know who the guy will be but I just pray to Allah SWT that that man will love me the way I plan to love him.”

I don’t know if it’s the change in season and weather, but I feel like everyone around me is obsessed with the idea of having and looking for a significant person.

We all want it, but how many of us are actually ready?

I feel like almost all my conversations with some of my girlfriends as of lately have been oriented around wanting to find a significant other. Whether it be them stating the fact that they want to be in a relationship or asking questions like, why no one is pursuing them, why they are single, or if maybe something is wrong with them and questions along those lines. I feel like maybe it’s just us as humans, but we crave that love and affection a lover provides. We’re human, we need and naturally want that intimate connection. We want someone that’s going to be there for us to talk to whenever and listen to our wildest thoughts, lean on when no one else is there, love you unconditionally regardless of what you say or do. But it’s crazy how our generation especially, is so obsessed with love, attraction, romance, and things of relating. It’s in our media, the shows we watch, the books we read, the movies we watch, the stuff we sometimes even learn about it in school (example: learning about Romeo and Juliet). We sometimes and I’m guilty of this, watch these over exaggerated romantic movies like “The Notebook” and “The Vow” and think wow this is how its suppose to be or we sometimes set our expectations of what we are looking for in someone based off fictional characters.

And yes, although they are very much so entertaining to watch and its fun to fantasize a little bit, we know deep down it’s nothing but an over exaggeration and is created for our amusement. How many relationships do you personally know where every second of every day there both happy, constantly sending each other roses and a box of chocolates, kissing each other after every word, telling the other how much they love how their eyes twinkle like the stars, and stuff like that? I mean maybe there are relationships that are like that out there where everything is just fantastic and they’re both in happyville but for the majority of relationships, its hard and sometimes difficult because of your two different people. That means there is two different perceptions that may cause a bit of a conflict, two different interpretations of a situation, two different feelings and needs that have to be met, two different personalities that might clash sometimes, and two different thoughts that one might be having about a situation or the relationship as a whole that the other one might not be having. Because again, you are two different people and you both have your own perceptions, feelings, thoughts, and needs. There will be times where you two will butt heads because you might perceive a situation to be this way while the other sees it another, or you might feel like the other isn’t accommodating to your feelings. And that’s because it’s a relationship, yes relationships have its ups but they don’t go without its downs as well. But it’s up to you two to see if the ups are worth sticking through the downs and working together to not strive to eliminate all your problems and issues but to at least try to reduce and minimize it so you’re not constantly having to go back to the same issue.

 I don’t care how happy and how amazing your relationship is there will be conflict, there will be tension and there will be times where you will be like you know what? I don’t want to do this anymore. Because it’s hard enough trying to look after yourself and your best interest but now you have to take to account a whole other person wants, needs and best interest while still meeting yours and finding that common ground. And I think that’s what these books, movies, and shows lack. They don’t show you the real deal, they only show you what you want to see. We want to see the chocolates, and the love letters and all those good stuff. We don’t want to see the aspect of relationships where those two people are having a conflict, where those two are going through issues, fighting and bickering. Yes, there are aspects of the movie or book where those two people do have this big blowout (climax) where they are fighting but we know at the end they will get back together and things will go back to the way it is. And we want to see how the guy is going to fight to win the girl back and enjoy watching their journey back to happyville. Because the movie goes from the guy meeting the girl, he gets her to fall in love with her, a conflict arises, he tries to solve it and win her back, he completes the job and it ends with them happily. We don’t get to see the times where there having real life situations and conflicts, a situation like for example someone not making enough time to see the other one. We only get to see the part where they are both happy and everything is all dandy. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, this conditioning of these media and books has created this image of what we think and believe relationships are to me. I myself am guilty of this, I sometimes get caught up in all these novels and movies, and create these unrealistic expectations of fictional characters and fictional situations (keyword: fictional) and think if it isn’t a Noah and Allie type of relationship I don’t want it! And it’s crazy.

So we now have what we think is an ideal “relationship goal” planned out in our head and we also look at how happy and amazing those two characters look so we think in order to be happy we need to be in a relationship and that we require a significant other to make us happy.

Kind of backtracking a little bit with us women always ask ourselves questions like “why am I single!”, or “How come no one ever tries to pursue me!” or even “Is something wrong with me? Am I the problem?”. We always ask ourselves questions like these but need we’re forgetting about the most important one… Am I ready? Let’s be honest with ourselves, are any of us actually ready to commit to a relationship at this very point in time? I don’t know about you all but I will be the first to say I, Anisa Mohamed, am not ready to be in a committed relationship. Here are some questions I have for you and I want you to quick answer these questions truthfully and honestly. Why do you want to be in a relationship? What do you think you will personally gain from being in a relationship? Are you going into the relationship looking to fill something? Are you content with yourself? Do you know what you’re bringing into the relationship? Do you know what you’re looking for in a significant other? Do you understand what commitment entails? Are you stable enough for a relationship? Do you know your emotional triggers and how to calm them effectively? Are you ready to give up the freedom of having other relationships and talking to other guys? Do you think you can stay course with all the challenges you and your partner might face? Are you ready to deal with all the issues that a relationship? Do you know yourself?

    These are all questions you need to take into consideration and I myself have answered several of these questions and I personally assessed my answers and came to a conclusion that I simply am not ready. I’ll quickly answer a few of these questions to give you a better understanding of what I exactly mean:

Are you content with yourself? To be honest, no I am not.

Do you understand what commitment entails? No, because I’ve never been in a committed relationship to know exactly what it means to be fully committed.

Do you think you can stay course with all the challenges you and your partner might face? To be honest, No, because I’m one of those people where if I don’t like a situation or conflict occurs I try to remove myself from it all together and I know with relationships you can just do that. So either I find another mechanism to deal with situations and conflict or I really do not know.

Do you know your emotional triggers and how to calm them effectively? Yes, but it could be problematic because although yes I know my triggers and yes I know how to effectively calm myself down it’s not the best method. Because my way of calming myself is again completely shutting that person out and removing myself from the situation. This again can cause a lot of problems because how am I ever going to expect to come to a common ground with my partner if all I do is shut people out the second I get upset or I feel like there is an issue present? I’m still trying to be more mature and talk it out instead of shutting it out.

    Now, the most important one… Do I know myself and Do I love myself enough to put myself in a situation where I have allowed another person to truly know me and know who I really am as a person, all my secrets, beliefs, morals, perspectives, thoughts, where I come from, etc.? You have to know yourself to love yourself. You cannot know yourself and not knowing yourself. They work hand in hand. You never and I mean never want to be in a situation where someone knows you better than you know yourself. I always hear couples saying that their partner knows them better than they know themselves, and to me, that’s so crazy. You need to know yourself before you could let someone else get to know you as your true self, for all your good, bad, ugly, everything. And only they can you love yourself, to then allow someone else to love you. Everything works hand in hand. It’s a balancing act. I know so many girls where they put themselves into situations where they not only know themselves but they really do not love themselves either. Love themselves… love themselves… love yourself… we always hear stuff like this but what does it really mean to love yourself? To be honest I think loving yourself is valuing yourself, knowing their worth, being content with themselves, knowing what you bring to other people’s lives, loving all sides of themselves, forgiving yourself, treating yourself, being okay with your own solitude, putting your needs first, pampering yourself, etc. I don’t think loving yourself has one set definition but I guess that just how I see it when the word comes to mind. But back to what I was saying, know yourself to love yourself to then allow someone else to know you and love you.

    You never want to be in a position where you have placed your worth, your confidence, and your dignity, your love, your time, your everything in the hands of another human being. It has to be something that’s within you, not within someone else. Because what happens when that person leaves you? Or things don’t work out? There’s goes your everything… you’re worth, your dignity, your love, your everything, along with that person. And only then will you not only crash and burn but you’re going to have to work your way up from the total bottom. You never want to put your everything and rely on a man to fulfill something in you that you on your own should have been filling. You never want a man to keep you up float and steady. You never want a man to provide and valid your own self-worth. Those are things that have to be embedded in yourself and things you have to do for yourself. That’s a common theme so far in this blog post… YOURSELF. Everything has to be done by yourself. You have to know yourself. Love yourself.

    Only then will I allow a man into my life. The day I have fully taken the time to get to know myself and know what I want in a relationship, what I am bringing to it and expect to get out of it, is when I will allow a man to get to know me. After I’ve gotten to know myself for all my good and especially my bad will I love myself and accept myself for who I am, will I allow a man to love me and accept me for all that is me? That’s what to me should be the start and foundation of a relationship. Both parties need to know themselves, know what they are looking for in a partner, what they expect in a relationship, and also love themselves and know their worth. Because I’ve noticed the reason why so many relationships fail so miserably is because sometimes either one side of the party doesn’t know themselves or even both sides. And same goes for the self-love aspect. Because someone who loves themselves and knows their worth wouldn’t allow staying in problems like cheating, disrespect, someone who doesn’t care for your opinions, etc. A lot of problems, heartbreaks, arguments, etc. could be missed out on if people and especially us young woman (men to Lol) would just take the time to take some time. Because I never want to personally be in a relationship with a man that doesn’t know himself or loves himself or knows what he wants from me and this relationship and vice versa. I never want to be in a situation where I am letting someone else dictate my self-worth. I never want to be in a situation where another man can easily build me up with a few words to only break me down with a few more.

    Now one last part I want to touch upon is what a relationship is and what I think a relationship is…

    I think a relationship is a commitment. Committed to giving your time and love to an individual unconditionally. Being your true self with that other person without having any judgments. Getting each other and understanding each other when it feels like everyone else in the world just doesn’t. Listening to one another’s craziest idea. Ready to praise them for their ups and catch them for their downs. Being able to call that person at 5:00 in the morning to share your thoughts and emotions and knowing that that person will pick up and is ready to listen. Someone believing in you and your goals no matter how big or small it is. Someone you could literally do any and everything with. Someone, you can have a flow of conversations from talking about comedy to talking about a pair of sock Lol idk. Someone you can just love man… someone makes it just so easy for you to love them. Love meaning acceptance… praising the good, accept the flaws and provide the inspiration to change. Love is neither a moment nor a feeling, it is the existence of togetherness. I think that’s what a relationship is and what a relationship should embody.

    I’m not a relationship expert but I don’t know… I’m just excited for the day where I can experience what it’s like to feel in love because I feel like everyone no matter who he/or she wants to be in love and know the feeling of being in love. I don’t know who the guy will be but I just pray to Allah SWT that that man will love me the way I plan to love him. I’m not corny btw, but I just really pray so. Coming from a divorced household and never seeing older Somali couples show affection for one another and seeing how that might have an impact on the kids I never want that for myself. Because I think although love seems hella complicated and relationships are hella complicated I just hope I met a man that just makes it easy for me to love him the same way I will do for him.

I’m going to end this off with a little quick recap and a question.

    Relationships aren’t all made that it makes it out to believe, movies and other entertainment pieces are not realistic. Get to know yourself. Ask yourself questions and give yourself the time to have a little questionnaire with yourself. Love yourself before you plan to ever let a man love you. Fully understand what a relationship really even is. Take that time to have to yourself, because men will come when the time is right. And maybe today isn’t the right time… maybe tomorrow isn’t. Because I believe Mr. Right or whatever you want to call it is out there somewhere. But instead of now moping around feeling sorry that you don’t have significant other, take this time to build yourself up. Because you don’t need to wait for a man to build you up! Know yourself, Love yourself, babes! Hope this helped all you young woman out there! With all this being said… I’ll ask you the same question I presented in the being of this blog.

Are you truly ready to be in a relationship? Maye after you’ve read this blog post, your answer might have changed, or maybe not.

 

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