Happiness

3:01am

June 17th, 2016

Happiness…

How does one obtain Happiness? Some say to possess this sense of feeling is to start a family. One boy… moreover, one girl with the big white picket fence shielding their small little cozy home that mother is baking pies with the kids inside just in time for the father to come home from a long day at work. So the kids can run bolting towards him with kisses telling him exactly what he missed besides his wife and children. Some say it is to obtain life’s most riches. The lavish European built cars like Porches and Rolls Royce, the fine wines, and the luxurious diamonds and pearls. Trips to Rome in the winters and Montenegro in the summers sipping that fine wine as you stare off into the orange and pink setting skies. Consulting to yourself that this.. that this must be what heaven is like. Some say it is to have that stable job that pays the bills on time, so your electricity does not go out like it did that one time. A job where your mother finally approves of. A job where she does not consistently make vicious jabs at you as she is screaming at the top of her lungs that you will never make a career or living off your silly hopes, dreams, and wishes. A job where she is not throwing pamphlets of already approved schools in your face, as you suggest all these potential art schools you were thinking about wanting to attend that coming spring. Whether it be the stereotypical nuclear family, the sun setting European skies or the dodging of flying pamphlets there is one common denominator to all of this… moreover, that is happiness. We want those riches to make us happy. We want it to make us feel like we had fulfilled something since that year before when you, your wife and kids were out on the streets because you could not pay that months rent. We want the high salary job to make us feel happy so we then can feel relieved that it was a good thing to choose to go through that four years of blood sweat and tears. You want to marry finally that blonde headed girl with freckles running down her cheeks and nose. That girl you have been crushing on since the beginning of year four. That girl whose family does not approve of you since you took their precious little girl’s virginity at the tender age of only 17… when it was just you, her and 10 dollars in your pocket anticipating for a baby that’s nearing its final trimester. Wondering how the hell you are going to take care of a child with only a 10 dollar bills in your pocket and these ever-growing pile of bills waiting to be paid for from the months you have missed. We all want that feeling… we all want that feeling of clarity. That sense of inevitability. That there is no one else that can take that feeling you have tried oh so hard to obtain, have and possess from you. No matter how many bolts of hatred, anger, and jealousy of your possession of happiness will ever cause you to feel anything but that. Now… what even is happiness? Exactly what is it besides nine letters and three syllables? Is it that feeling you get when the boy you have been crushing on finally texts you back? Is it that feeling you get when you get that pass on your finals that you have been studying for that has caused you to missed three weekends in a row to hang out with friends? Is it that feeling you get when it is just you and your friend in the midst of a coffee shop laughing your butts off as your goofing around just like you did in high school reminiscing back to when you were both just some crazy hormonal high schoolers. Happiness seems to come through in almost every moment of our lives. When we have huge plastered smiles on our faces. Faces reddened from the howling cries of laughter. It is there when we are graduating from college. That one day your mother and father sit next to each other and act somewhat civil. Something you have not seen since that lewd divorce, with cameras in hand seizing snapshots of that anticipated day. It is there when you are walking with your father linked arm to arm headed start down the aisle. Down to begin life with the man that will soon be calling you his lawfully wedded wife. It is there when we most expect it to be… however, nowhere when we expect it to be. It seems to be everything and everywhere… moreover, yet appears to be nothing and nowhere all at the same time. It is there when you are accomplishing your biggest life goals but yet appears to be missing when you need it the most. Need it to get through these now frequently occurring nights. Alone on a Friday night wishing, you were out with your imaginary friends instead of cutting your arms with your razor sharp blades that have now covered your washroom floors with rich dark blood as you proceed slitting and slitting. Hoping mother and father does not hear your sobbing cries so you turn up Black Veil Brides hoping that, that will disguise. Disguise your deep rooted cries. It was there when the boy you have given your heart, mind and soul decided to cheat on you with the girl he told you was nothing but a friend at school… the school he decided to go to rather of the one you both planned to go the summer after high school when you were both were, but two puppies loved teenagers. It is not there when you are put in rehab for the third time in a row for those drugs and self-hurt. Hurt caused from the constant need for drugs, drugs that help you feel numbness. Numbness so you do not have to sit and think… think about all of what life has thrown in your already bruised face from a man that promised you that; that was a nothing but a mistake as he is muttering tears of alcohol reeking apologize in your also bruised ears… ears hurt from the same man the night before that is calling what he did nothing but a silly “mistake” along with his usual empty sorry filled cries of guilt.

Happiness is everything and everywhere… moreover, yet appears to be nothing and nowhere all at the same time. What does one have to do to achieve to feel this and have this? This thing everything and almost everyone is chasing after. What do I have to do? What do I have to wear? What to do I have to change? Should I change my face? Change my appearance? Change my morals and beliefs? What can I do? What can I even do? Where can I even find it? I want it; you want it… moreover, I guess we all want it. Happiness is in the eye of the beholder. Happiness has no one definition. It has no one meaning or interpretations. I have my own along with you, her and them. It is what we all make out of it. Happiness has thousands of meanings and interpretations. It can be considered as sex, money or drugs. It is everything, and it is nothing. It can be found everywhere but also nowhere. It is all around us. It is in our joy filled laughter and smiles. Happiness is an object… happiness is someone’s person. It is my person, and it is your person. It is that guy you stay up all night under the covers trying your best not to wake up your sleeping family. It is your family, and it is your friends the ones that are constantly there… there just like happiness. The thing that has no identity, no one meaning or interpretation. It is me, it is you, it is all of us. We are all happiness. Whether that be happiness within us or happiness, we give towards those around us. We are happiness. We carry it to where it is needed most like the beautiful lands of Mother Africa from Mogadishu to Dodoma and Sierra Leone it is carried to the cold weathers of friggin Antarctica. We give it to those around us, those that need it the most. That girl that is cutting herself on that late Friday night. Those wishing they were out with those non-existent friends but instead are trapped in their small dark washroom cutting away. We give it to that boy that tried yet another suicide attempt to give up his “miserable” life. That beautiful bald headed girl is sitting in that chair receiving her chemo treatment. That starving little orphan that has to play mother and father to his three younger siblings who are crying because they have not eaten since that previous morning. We give it to others. We give it here. We give it there, and we give it to them so they can no longer feel this feeling of pure solitary. That they have somebody they can trust. Somebody that they can finally lean on when there just about ready to collapse and fall once again. We give it to them so they can understand that we are all just trying our best to get through this friggin thing called life. That we are all worthy of this thing with nine words and three syllables no matter what the color of our skin is. What we look like and what we choose to believe. That we all have our issues and demons that we are fighting. That we are all human at the end of the day. We are humans… we all have different beliefs, we all look beautifully different, and we come in all shades of color from melanin-filled complexions to beautiful snow-like skin, and we all deserve this nine letters and three syllables no matter what we are… what we have been through… moreover, what we believe. We all deserve happiness.

Happiness is me a girl that is a nobody trying to be a somebody in an everybody world. Happiness is you. Happiness is them. Happiness is there. Happiness is me. Happiness is laughter. Happiness is family. Happiness is friends. Happiness is the long walks on the warm sand beaches. Happiness is the snow covered grounds ready to be made into tall snowmen. Happiness is that conversation you have with a friend you have not seen since that last day of high school. Happiness is when that girl that has been fighting for three years is finally told that she no longer has cancer. Happiness is what we need to give to one another. I am tired and exhausted from all this hatred in the world. I am over all this violence. I am over all this evil. How many more times do I have to say that I am not responsible for what a man is doing based on his so called “faith”? That I am not responsible for the hundred and thousands of attacks on innocent individuals that use my faith as a means to give reasoning for their crazy endeavors. How many more times do I have to be called a “filthy terrorist” until the world finally sees me as just another human being that has just simply chosen to believe in something different? How many more times do we have to kill an innocent young black man to realize that he was only reaching for his license instead of a gun before you start firing? How many more times do we have to watch innocent children die due to no food or water until we as humans rule that, that is enough? How many more children have to die before we wake up and realize that maybe we could do something or try our best to help at least someone? How many more times man? It is 2016, and I still see no changes in the world. The only thing that is different now than then is that we have a flag and a few empty promises of freedom, liberty, equality, and “we are one nation” bullshit. There has to be more happiness man. Not just for me. Not just for you. However, for us. For them. For her. For him. For all really. For the dying children, for the stressed out teenager, for that suicidal scared the little boy, for that terrorist called girl. We need happiness for everyone.

I want happiness. I want it for myself. I want it for my sisters. I want it for my brothers. I want it or my peers. I want it for my colleagues. I want it for my family and friends. I want it for everyone. Because we are all exemplary of this nine letters and three syllables. No matter who you are black, white, fat, skinny, blind, deaf, tall, or short. We are all deserving. Sometimes I know it is hard to find happiness in a world that is so cruel. When no one around you is willing to give it to you. When everyone and everything I am giving you a reason not to find it. Trust me it takes a while. Happiness does not come over night. You are not going to wake up tomorrow morning after a long night of cries and feel it. It is going to take time, and it is going to take effort. It could be next week; it could be next year, or it could be in 10 years. You never really know. However, it will come eventually… you just have to continue this thing called life with the just hope I guess. All I know is that we need it. I need it. This world needs it, man.

Happiness….

What even is it besides nine letters and three syllables?

Honestly… I really wish I could give you this one set definition and hand it to you. However, it has no one set definitions or a crystal clear interpretation. It is everything, and it is nothing. It is everywhere, and it is nowhere. I guess that is my little definition of what happiness is. However, one thing I know for sure is that we need it. For me… for her… for him… for them…. for us. Because we are us. We are all this one team called humans. We are all fighting and competing with this thing called life. Moreover, we could all use that little nine letter word. I live to see people happy. I want to see people happy because not to long ago I was that unhappy little girl and I needed that one person to tell me that thing will not always be like this. I needed happiness. I wanted happiness. Nine letters. Three Syllables. No set definition. Many interpretations. No identity. No race. No religion. It is everything… moreover, it is nothing.