February 18th, 2016
So I guess I’m back again with another Stream of Consciousness post. A lot of people loved the other one that I did about a month ago I believe. I got a ton of comments/feedback from people saying how they could really relate to a lot of the things that I was saying whether it be on being an over thinker or about being okay with being single and my thoughts on the whole thing. So I thought why not make another post talking about things that have been on my mind recently. So again, like last time this blog post is going to be me talking (well typing) about shit that;s just been going on in my head lately. No particular order, no particular structure, no set topic. Just me typing away. I will not edit this. Nor fix it around. I’m just going to simply type this and post this. I want this to be as natural and organic as possible. So if this does not make sense or if there’s a lot of grammar errors that is why. It’s going to be all over the place I can just feel it as I’m typing it. But that’s okay. Things don’t always have to be perfect.
I’m extremely anti-social. I can never spark up a conversation with people I don’t know. I think it’s because I tend to over-think the whole thing. My voice gets super deep and I start acting super weird. I’m pretty sure I have social anxiety or something of that sort. I’m never really open to meeting new people at all. And even if I try attempting to branch out, out of my comfort zone and be less shy I know it’ll just be a complete fail. Because my definition of talking, interacting and engaging in a conversation is literally so different from everyone else’s. I could be thinking I’m out here being bubbly and cool and then after the person leaves my friend or whoever I’m with would say “you were being hella weird”, “that was awkward” or “your so shy omg”. I want to be outgoing and be myself with everyone and not just a selective few ya know? I can’t even count how many times someone thought I was a b**** or thought I was being rude. Because of how monotone my voice was or how blank my face was (I could see how that might come off as being rude or a b****). I do not want people to think that I’m weird, anti-social, strange, closed off, a b****, or rude. Because I’m not any of those things. I’m actually really cool and funny once I break out of my shell. It just depends on how fast I can get out of it. It takes me forever to warm up to new people. Literally forever. It may take the average person a few encounters, but me? Triple that. It takes me so long to truly be myself and not be so closed off with people I do not know. I’ve literally have had the same friends from middle school and some from elementary school, and like maybe 1-2 from high school. No more than that. Because I’m just not very open to meeting new people. I’d much rather just be friends with the people that I’ve known since day one. But recently I’ve felt like now that I’m in university I want to start interacting and meet new people. Don’t get me wrong I love the people that I have now but it would be nice making new friends. It’s just hard to do that when I’m such an introvert. My goal is to stop being so closed off and become more open and interact with new people. I want to start putting myself more out there, ya know?
Another thing that has been on my mind, people/independency/friends?
I feel like up until these past few months I’ve always been so dependent on people. Always needed others to do things for me. Always needed people to go places with me. Always needed someone to count on. Always needed someone to have my back. But as of lately I think I’ve really grown into a more independent person, and I’m loving it! There would be times where if I had no one to come with me to the mall and go shopping I’d be like okay I’ll stay and go another time. Times where I would put my trust into anyone and it would constantly backfire on me. Times where I would need someone to do things for me. But I find that people are not very reliable, people are not as they seem, and people are not as trustworthy as you may think they are and that’s okay. I always try to find the good in everyone no matter who they are. I think that’s one of my best qualities but at the same time, I feel as though I need to stop being so naive and open my eyes more to people’s true colours. I’m too naive I swear to god it’s ridiculous, I constantly think everyone’s my friend and everyone is looking out for my best interests. But I’ve come to realize that no, people don’t always want the best for you. And that’s okay. You just need to separate myself from those type of people and so far I think I’m doing pretty good. Finding the independence in you is important because always depending and counting on people will only leave you disappointed. Learn to solely depend on yourself. I love going to the local shopping mall by myself and walking around with my favourite drink. I love going to the library and just relaxing and reading. I love taking myself on shopping dates whether it be clothing or makeup. I love just taking time for myself and doing things on my own without anyone. I also love just studying by myself at home or booking a room in my school’s library. That doesn’t mean cut off everyone and just be on your solo but just surrounding yourself with genuine people is the key. Sometimes even having 2-3 good friends is all you need. I literally have only 2-3 real friends and I love that. I know their genuine people. I know they only want the best for me just like I want the best for them. Keeping your circle really small is the best. At the same time, I’m not saying DONT TRUST ANYONE OR NEVER DEPEND ON ANYONE. Just make sure you’re wise about it. It’s okay to depend on people but I just wouldn’t recommend solely depending on the other person.
Thought numero 3, finding someone.
Like I said in my last post I am not looking for a relationship anytime soon because I want to at least wait until I’m a bit older to ensure that the next one will be a long term one. I don’t want to keep hopping into a relationship after a relationship, it’s not a good look honestly. Jumping from guy to guy. But even if I do not end up waiting there just is no one out there that even meets up to what I’m looking for. And I’m not saying it in a cocky way because I could care less if he’s good looking or not it’s just that there’s no one out there that fits my requirements? Every guy I see or meet are all the same. Literally all the same. They act the same, they talk the same, and they think the same. A typical Somali boy where I live are literally like this, they “rep their hood”, they yell things like “gang gang gang”, they have their pants sagging to their knees, they all follow each other.. none of them are leaders. All they want to do is stay in their area, post up and smoke all goddamn day. They’re all disrespectful as hell, they just love to bash people and make up false rumours. Like damn bro, are you that sad where you have to make up lies about a girl to get “ratings” or “credit” from your friends? Not cool. That’s how they all are… well at least the ones around my age. Like how am I ever suppose to take any of that serious? I tried taking those type of people serious and into consideration but it never works out. Gave them the benefit of the doubt but over time I did that I was yet again left disappointed. They are too immature and I’m not going to stick around with someone who has absolutely no ambitions or goals. I look around and glance at these type of guys and it’s sad because some of them look like they have the potential to be better than they are/how there acting. But they’re too caught up in the hype. Another thing is that none of them want to go to school or consider going to school! They just want to throw themselves into the streets and hope to make a living off that or some kind of minimum wage job. Come on really? I don’t know…. it’s a hot mess out here. Literally, where can a sister find a normal cool guy that I can actually have an intellectual conversation with?
Thought numero 4, I want to change.
I want to change for my sake and for Allah SWT. I always have these phases every other month where I’m “Anisa The Holy Ukhti”. I wear abayas, I completely cut off music and replace it with Quran, I pray 5 times a day, I stop eating all Haram foods (like McDonalds). And it never lasts for more than a month or a month and a half maximum. It always ends up me not wanting to wear abaya no more so I stop. I miss a prayer than I notice I miss another one and another one, to the point where I completely stopped and I didn’t even notice. I randomly get this urge to listen to this one song then I’m like hmmm… one song won’t hurt right? Then one song turns into two, two turns into four, four turns into forty. Then next thing I know I’m back to square one. I think the reason why it never works out is because I put too much on myself at once. I always like to think I’m capable of handling anything. That there’s no limits to my capability. So I take on a lot thinking I can handle it. In some cases usually, I’m able to do it. I always find a way to do it whether it be school for example. I can easily take on a lot of courses and manage to do all of them. But when it comes to religion its so hard for me wallah. For some reason, I can’t handle the change. It’s like my body, mind, and soul is rejecting it. Inshallah I want to go to Jannah and in order for me to enter Jannah, I have to do what’s needed. I need to pray 5x a day, fast throughout Ramadan, pray zakat, and go to the hajj one day inshallah. I don’t want to die knowing I did absolutely nothing to deserve Jannah. Nothing worse than a casket full of regrets. As of lately, I’ve been doing really well I started praying again which I’m honestly so happy about. I plan to attend more halaqa’s to knowledge myself more. I’m attending this Arabic class every Friday in hope that maybe it would help make it easier to read and understand the Quran better. Inshallah may Allah guide me to the right path and also my brothers and sisters. That’s another goal for this year. To become a better Muslim. Baby steps this time. Baby steps.
Thought numero 5, I’ve been SOSing.
For about 4 months now I have literally been a ghost. I cut off almost everyone and I deleted all my social media. The only thing I have now is my Tumblr (which no one even goes on besides me) and Instagram which I keep to promote my blog. No one knows my username on there so they can’t find me. It’s an all females Instagram meaning I don’t follow you back or allow you to follow me if your not a female. Most of the females that I do have are people that do not even live in Canada. And most of them only followed me because they like my blog and I’m fine with that. I changed my number and I can say only 10 people MAX knows my new number and I’ve had this number for 4 months now. I deleted all apps that are ways for people to contact me like Kik and Whatsapp for one reason and one reason only… because I’m sick and tired of everyone. Everyone wants to have something to say about me. And I’m over it. Guys want to say crap about me and females want to say crap about me. Most of them don’t even know me personally. They just see me on social media and they think they know me. They hear a couple things about me and think they have the right to judge me. Like bro, you don’t know me. So I’m like you know what? Forget everyone. I’m deleting all this crap. I’d like to see people talk about me now. Females just want to say I’m cake face and I’m this and I’m that, and guys just want to say I’m a “hoe” like really? Okay, I’m most def a hoe. You caught me. People are forever asking if I’m still alive or what happened to me. Nothing happened to me. I just don’t talk or associate myself with many people anymore. I like it this way, I’m never in problems anymore. I haven’t been in a problem in so long and the reason why is because I cut off all the toxic people and I got rid of social media. Best decision I’ve made. I had a private snap chat for a little bit, but even that I deleted it. I use to be like everyone else, always on social media. But I feel like I’ve outgrown it. I’m over that whole phase. Social media is the root of all problems. Social media got people who don’t even know you’re or haven’t seen you a day in their life thinking they can talk about and judge you. Like no. Sorry, boo’s you don’t know me. Also, the reason why I deleted it is that I simply don’t want people knowing my where about, what I’m doing, or what happened to me. Simple. I swear people probably think I’m in Somalia or something. I’ve gone super ghost on everyone and everything. Some guy from my neighbourhood asked me the other day when I was at the library if I went on vacation or something. I’m just like nope I just cut off all things connected to me. Bye bye Snap chat, Twitter, Instagram, Kik, Whatsapp, you have not been missed!
Thought numero 6, females.
Why are females (some) so malicious? Females can be so catty its so scary. Why can’t people just be nice to one another? A girl can post up a selfie and another female will literally analyze and scan the picture until they find something to comment to their friends about,”Omg did you see Aisha’s picture on Instagram, she has lettuce in her tooth. Yes! I know right? How dare she have a little piece of lettuce on the back of her left sided second premolar”. Like girl… really? Or another female can decide to dress up for school one day. She took extra time with her hair and makeup. Put on this new outfit she got over the weekend. And other females would literally say “lol who she trying to impress”, “her hair looks greasy”, “her eyebrows look so harsh omg” or “she still looks ugly haha”. How malicious is that? I’ve literally heard a lot of things similar to the examples I’m giving, so don’t you dare disagree. Why can’t females just be nice to one another what’s the big deal if you go up to someone and just say “hey you look really nice today girl”. I’d much rather make someone’s day than ruin it with petty comments. I remember I use to be one of those girls that would constantly have something negative to say about other females. Oh, she’s this, oh she’s that. It’s really disgusting when you look at it. Constantly having something negative and rude to say about others. It says a lot about your character. No one like a mean girl. Trust me no one. It shows how very insecure you are actually, you must be really insecure to be constantly putting down others as if it’s a way to bring yourself up. You do not get anything out of calling another girl “fat” or another girl “ugly”, so why bother? If you have the urge to say something just bite your tongue. Simple as that. Be kind to one another. The world needs more kindness. It already has enough hate.
Thought numero 7, I want to get out Toronto.
No one knows how bad I want to get the heck out of Toronto. Nothing is really here for me. This city is terrible. I do not like the people at all. It’s a catty city filled with catty people. I just want to go somewhere and start fresh. I’ve been here my entire life. I’m in desperate need of change. I want to go somewhere and not know anyone. Just go somewhere and start fresh. I can’t do that in Toronto. Every corner you go you’ll run into someone you know or someone you heard of. I hate that. Everyone here is the goddamn same! Everyone dresses the same here. Everyone talks to the same people. Everyone goes to the same places (not much to do here besides the same old crap). I’ve been here for almost 2 decades it’s so crazy to think of it like that. TWO DECADES. The second I get my degree I’m out of here. And I’m cutting all ties linked with Toronto. I want to either live in Dubai or another Muslim country. Boy, that sounds so lovely right now. I want to live in a Muslim country where its easier for me to practice. Where I don’t have to worry about running home to pray or finding a place to pray, I’ve been there twice and everywhere you go there’s literally a place for you to pray. Literally everywhere. All fast foods are halal so I no longer feel guilty eating haram fast foods. Ever had halal McDonalds? It’s literally the exact same might be even better knowing it’s halal. Oh, how I wish I could leave her. 2018 needs to hurry the heck up! I need to get out of here as soon as possible. It shocks me when people plan to actually live here for the rest of their lives or even a few more years. You must be outta your mind man. Adios! Good luck in the cold boos!
Thought Numero 8, Grateful and Thankful.
I’m beyond grateful for those who take the time out of their days and send me messages saying how much they love my blog. And how much they can relate to my posts. I get at least 5-10 different people a week telling me how much they support it and how much they enjoy it. Some messages come from people I know which I’m happy about and people that literally do not know me. Getting direct messages from people across the globe Denmark, Sweden, London, California, Dubai saying they bookmarked my blog because they’re obsessed with it. Encouraging me to never stop. Giving me amazing feedback on my poems about a young Somali brother and this silent genocide that has been occurring makes me beyond happy (click here to be directed to IF I STAY and ISKA JOOJI HOYOO) Even went to the lengths as setting up an alert system so they can get notifications whenever I post. It’s literally heartwarming I swear. I’ve had people already stop me saying they love my blog! Shoutout to everyone that has done! How cool is that? I’ve only had this blog for barely 2 months and I already have 3 thousand hits and over 600 people going onto 700 have viewed it. I got someone all the way in Somalia reading my posts!! It doesn’t get any better than that. This is only the beginning. I plan to grow my blog 10x more in the next few months. I have such amazing features in the works, I’m getting my Url paid for next week (finally!), I’m planning to incorporate different stories from people like having segments and letting another post on my blog (ultra excited for that), I want to incorporate more photography into this, and the biggest thing hat I’m doing is that I’m writing a book! If you haven’t check out my Instagram post talking about it then click here to be direct to it! It has a lot more information on the book. The book is going to be called ABDI FATAH. It’s nothing professional just a 200-300 paged book based on the life of a boy named Abdi Fatah (hence the title). I’m going to be publishing it on Wattpad and it should be out this spring! I’ve already gotten down a good portion of the book and so far I’m obsessed! I hope this is as relatable for our young Somali brothers as possible. Such amazing things planned! Literally so excited! Yay!
Hope you enjoyed this blog just as much as I enjoyed writing it, I’m literally so obsessed with posting blogs especially ones that are as chill as this.Super long I know! Sorry, but a lot of you seem to not mind. So this is where I will be ending is off but before that here’s a quick little message/ quote: “Life is complicated. Don’t try to find answers. Because once you find answers. Life changes the questions”. How am I going to live my life? Nothing but carefree.