Stream Of Consciousness

Hey, guys I normally do not make blog posts like this. But its 1am on a Sunday night and I have a lot of things on my mind. It’s not so much similar to my other posts that are more advice and poetry based. This is going to be more just a flow of thoughts. I just want this blog post to be me talking (well typing) about shit that’s just been going on in my head lately. No particular order, no particular structure, no set topic. Just me typing away. I will not edit this. Nor fix it around. I’m just going to simply type this and post this. I want this to be as natural and organic as possible. So if this does not make sense or if there is a lot of grammar errors that is why. It’s going to be all over the place I can just feel it as I’m typing it. But that’s okay. Things don’t always have to be perfect.

I’m an over thinker.

I’ve always been. Even from when I was little I always been that way. If someone tells me something whether it be good or bad, I will over think and over analyze it. When someone says something that rubs me the wrong way, an average person will only think about it for the rest of the day and maybe the next. But me? I will literally think about it for days on end. No joke. If someone says something about me, let’s say behind my back or to someone else. I will over think about it. I’ll start asking myself but why did they do that? Why do they believe that? Is there some truth to what they’re saying about me? Why would they say that about me? Etc, etc., etc. A lot of people can agree with me on this. I over think everything. I over analyze everything. It’s just how I am. I sometimes wish I wasn’t like this because I feel like it gets in the way of a lot of my relationships with people, friends, and family. Because I feel like sometimes, I over think their every little wording or their every action. It could be something completely innocent, and they could see it a different way, but I could completely see it a different way. For example, here’s something really simple. If someone tells me, they can’t make it to something, or they can’t hang. I will literally over think and analyze why they couldn’t go and start making up reasons as to why they did not want to spend time with me. I know this sounds a little crazy but…. I don’t know I’ve always just been like this. I try to not over think things because I noticed it really takes a toll on my eating. I have lost so much weight these past few months because I have had so much shit going on in my mind and life that it just really has been distracting me from things like eating. So lately I have been trying to get myself to not think about every little thing. By listening to the Quran more, writing it all out on my notepad (which I totes recommend if you’re a overthink like me), reading more, and just trying my best to distract myself. I think I’m doing a pretty good job so far. I don’t want to be up all night thinking about my future, school, people, and things like that. Because I need my sleep. I don’t want to be up all night thinking and thinking. Over analyzing every little thing/detail, you know? I know this isn’t making much sense, but if you can relate to this, you’re probably agreeing with I’m saying. So yes that’s just been on my mind a lot lately. Just me overthinking a lot. I just want to work on that about myself because I don’t want to be 25 running to go get hair dye because my hair is turning gray from all that thinking.

Another thing that’s been on my mind lately is, why do people take everything so serious?

Like people love interrupting and taking things way out of context. Like why can’t I go over to a guy for example and just ask him about his day or engage in a conversation without it being more than what it actually is? Why does it have to be considered “flirting” in other people’s eyes? Or why does the guy take it the wrong way and think it’s being thirsty or begging or something stupid like that? Why can’t a girl and a guy just engage in a perfectly normal conversation without it being something other than an innocent conversation? I love asking people how they are, or how their days going. Why can’t it be simply just that? Why does it have to be more than what it is? Societies weird. People are weird.

Thought numero 3, life I guess.

I love helping people. I’ve always been like this too. But lately, as I’m getting older I find myself empathizing with people a lot more. Wanting to advise people a lot, hence why I created this blog. Wanting to give back. Things of that sort. That’s why I sometimes think about changing my major maybe. This is really random but I really want to be a therapist. Like really bad. I love listening to people talk. I love listening to people’s thoughts. I literally find it I love helping out people. Giving my thoughts, opinions, and advice. I want to help them through whatever they’re going through. And if just sitting down and listening to them just let their flow of thoughts stream I’m happy because I know the feeling after getting something off your chest. It’s amazing. So maybe I’m thinking of looking into that more? Maybe minoring in that could possible be a possibility for me? I don’t quite know yet. But I know I want to help people. More on a spiritual, mental, and soul level. Not like a doctor or nurse who’s fixing and helping aid the exterior. I want to help and aid someone’s interior. Their mind, soul, heart, and spirit. I love people. Also, something completely random I want to adopt a child so bad. Not now of course. But in the future, I plan to go preferably the motherland (Somalia) and adopt either a boy or girl. Give them an opportunity at life. I was telling this to my mom the other day. I was even suggesting that she should adopt one or taking in a child from Somalia so we can raise and give he/or she a family. That’s literally a dream of mine. And inshallah when I reach the age, maturity, and become financially stable to raise a child I will do just that. I love people man. I love children. I want to help people. Especially those who are in need that’s why I’m constantly talking about topics like the homeless, the poor, and the financially unstable because things like that get to me. It really gets to me, man. It makes me sad knowing there are people out there right now with little to nothing to eat while there’s a fridge full of food for me to eat as I please. Or a comfy bed for me to sleep on while there’s someone out there who’s sleeping on the cold snow covered concrete floor because there’s nowhere else for them to go. So that’s their last resort. It breaks my heart. That’s why I always give whatever change I have to the homeless if I see them (those who look like they won’t run off and do something wrong with the money). There’s this man at the station near my school, I walk by every morning on my way to school. I always say good morning to him and drop in a few change if I have any on me. I know just that little kind gesture means the world to him. Just those little good morning and here’s some change to go buy yourself a coffee/or tea can change someone’s entire day and mood. It shows them that there’s at least someone out there who does care.

Thought numero 4, Somali girls.

This is strange to talk about but I feel like Somali girls are very much similar to each other. They all talk the same, act the same, dress the same, listen to the same music, go to the same places, hit up Hookah spots, etc. There’s really not much originality in Somali girls I feel like. I don’t care if you don’t agree with what I am saying. It’s just my personal thought. But I feel like Somali girls really are very unoriginal (some, not all of course) they all are pretty much identical to on another. They all like the same crap. Do the same crap. Like doesn’t it get tiring going to the same hookah spots every Friday and talking bad amongst each other? Why can’t you guys try something new? Go to the library and just spend your day reading a novel. Or going skating with a few friends. Go to even a play! I’m planning to do that next week! Something new! Something out of the box! Why not be adventures? There’s more to life than just the basic Friday night Hookah dates sipping tea about what Halima did! Somali girl never wants to try anything new or anything different. They all just want to do the same crap Anab, Fadumo, and Aisha is doing. I hear a lot of Somali boys always say that Somali girls are all the same or similar to one another and I wouldn’t understand or see where there coming from. But stepping outside and looking in… I can see where they are coming from, to be honest.

Thought numero 5, School.

School has had me stressed for a little while now (not so much now because I managed to calm myself). I just started University this year and I am completely stressed out and overwhelmed through the whole transition from secondary school to post-secondary school. It’s much more of a “your on your own” type of thing. While high school is like “hey let me help you with that”. Going to your lecture and seeing more than a hundred students all sitting down with laptops out and knowing you’re irrelevant to your professor and classmates is a bit annoying. Especially for me because I’ve always had a good relationship with all my teachers growing up and my classmates as well. While here in University the professor doesn’t give a fuck about you because your just one of the hundreds of students he teaches. So that’s just been really irritating me I guess. The whole transition I guess?

Thought numero 6, Single.

Omg, this is literally so weird to say this haha. Idk I normally hate talking about my “personal life” or “love life” because I do not have one. I’m happy with just being solo dolo. I don’t know why a lot of people stress about being lonely. Or not having someone by their side. But I feel like there are time and place for everything. I don’t like young adolescent like an immature relationship where people just get into them just for the hell of being in one because everyone else is cuffed or talking to someone. I like that I’m waiting I guess. I don’t want to be in anything until after my studies. I just want my next relationship to be long term and serious. And I know if I get into one now it’ll be just that. I feel like I’m still evolving into my own person so getting into a relationship now or anytime soon just wouldn’t be good for me. I just want to focus on myself, school, my relationship with Allah, my family, and working on myself. Although if it happens before my preferred time I wouldn’t be opposed to it. I don’t know… I do not really find myself feeling lonely or needing a male companionship… I don’t generally see myself really liking or connecting with a lot of guys either.. actually I don’t think I ever connected with a guy on a deeper level so maybe that’s why? So I don’t know. I’m just solo af.

Thoughts numero 7, Age.

Okay, normally I do not like talking about my age just because I know the second that it escapes my mouth anything after that won’t be taken serious due to my age. I have always been scared to tell people my age because I don’t want to be taken not serious or treated like a little girl. Because I am not. I do not act immature. I do not surround myself with girls or guys my age. Never have, probably never will just because I feel like my mentality just isn’t up to par with theirs. I’ve always surrounded myself with people a bit older than me just because I feel like I can relate to them more. I sometimes feel like I’m an old soul trapped in a young girls body. It’s annoying because when I tell people my age they just say “wow you’re a baby” and they completely disregard everything I have to say after that because they think I’m immature and a child. I hate that. I really hate being the age that I am. I absolutely hate it. It’s so weird to say this but I really do. I have stated it many times before to friends, peers, and family that I feel like I was truly born the wrong time. My soul, thoughts, and mentality just are not of a girl who typically my age. I’ve been also trying to work on being comfortable with my age. But seriously wouldn’t you hate people treated or talked to you like a little girl when you feel like you are not one? It’s like anything you have to say just will be laughed at and shrugged off like ohhh she’s just a little girl. Or being hit with “your still young honey you wouldn’t understand” like really? Ugh idk. I’m trying to be more comfortable with just being my age. Because I feel like I’m constantly running away from it. So what I’m going to try doing is maybe surrounding myself with more with people my own age maybe? Sometimes I feel like I sort of missed out on a lot of things because I was so caught up in trying to be mature or whatever. That I missed out on a lot of teenish type of things. Like goofing around, being immature, being obsessed with boybands and artists, shit like that. I sometimes think the reason why I wear makeup is because it contributes to me looking older I guess. Because I look very young without my makeup on. And when I do wear makeup I feel like I look like the age I sort of want to be I guess? I actually do not think I’ve ever said that out loud to anyone.. not even to myself. Weird. I know this is a strange topic but yeah it’s just me I guess. Call me strange.

Anyways, sorry I know that was really long and all over the place but I have had so many thoughts like these going through my head lately and I just wanted to just share and write them down. This was more so for me than it was for you. I know. I just find it therapeutic writing things down and getting everything out of my head ya know? And if some of you guys can relate to some of my thoughts great! Feel free to message me, and we can talk if you want. Or you can talk and I’ll listen. So, I have one message to leave you all with “Be kind whenever possible. Because it’s always possible to be kind.” Why don’t you do one nice thing for someone today, tomorrow or whenever you’re reading this. A compliment, a smile, a lending ear to listen, a shoulder for someone, give a meal to those without, anything.