But I Love Him…

But I Love Him…

I don’t generally write about topics like this but I think this might be useful for a lot of young women who are either in a relationship that’s unhealthy whether it be emotionally or physically unhealthy. Or just got out of a relationship that is unhealthy. I’m gearing this mostly to people below the age of 23 just because I noticed the problems I’m going to be talking about usually occur during that age group. DISCLAIMER: before you get offended, I am not referring to all young relationships just a type that I have noticed that is pretty common! If you’re in a happy healthy relationship good for you! The second thing I’d like to say is if I do not sound clear or relatable please forgive me I have not been in these type of situations before so I cannot really speak from experience. So if I sound unclear it’s because of that. And lastly, I do not mean to attack or sound harsh. If I come off like that I’m sorry… I only look to help out young women who are in these type of situations. And sometimes a little firmness won’t hurt, right? Okay.. Here I go.

I have always felt like us females are constantly settling for just about anyone. Especially the younger females. Everyone wants to be in a “goals” type of relationship. Everyone wants someone to call their ‘man’. Everyone just wants a someone. I understand. As humans, we generally always look and chase after love and affection. That’s just a humanly attribute. We all want and desire it.

I look at the relationships and most of them always are based like this. The girl is in a relationship with this guy. This guy is not really a great catch. He’s very immature, still sags his pants, says things like “gang gang gang”, does not have a source of income (which he should have at that age!) either sells or get supported by his parents, still in high school even though he should have graduated the year before, or even the year before that. Struggling to get his diploma or he’s got his diploma and is working at minimum wage jobs. Smokes his days away and drinks his nights. Gets in trouble a lot and either has a charge or is battling a case as we speak. His friends influence him a lot nor is his surroundings and the crowd that he is in very ideal. He claims he’s going to soon separate himself from the crowd/people you warn him about or just tells you those are his brothers and you’d just have to deal with it! You’re constantly reminding him to change his way and better himself but he just nods and says he’s working on it or just straight up laughs in your face and slides in a classic “your not my mom”. Immature! You’re having a conversation with him about school, but he cannot quite relate due to the fact that he did not continue on with his studies. You try convincing him to see it out. Think about it. Even go to the lengths of telling him to maybe take a few courses and see how he likes it. There’s bound to be something that he likes! Right? He tries dodging the whole school thing and says it’s not for him. You try again and say that minimum wage jobs are not stable jobs. That you can easily be laid off at any given time the company choices! And that you cannot raise a family off that. He replies and says do not worry it’s not my only source of income. Hmmm.. you say knowing what he means. You’re constantly bickering going back and forth always about the same issues you thought you resolved the last time. Him talking to other females. Disrespecting you. Discussions about his future. Your relationships together. His friends and surroundings. The way he talks to you. It seems like it’s the same old things over and over. And each time you make up and he promises this is the last time and things are going to change. Then again.. you catch him doing the same thing he promised you he would not do again. Your friends, family, and peers are not approving of him. Constantly try talking you out or saying things like “your back together again?”, “why are you even with him, it’s always going to be like this.. shit won’t change” or “he constantly does the same thing over and over again and you’re right there ready to accept his apology”. You just shake your head and say you do not know him but secretly understand and see some truth in the things they’re saying. But you would dare say it out loud so it won’t become appear reality for you. You call him, it goes straight to voice mail. Hmmm.. maybe he’s busy? You don’t make a big deal out of it. After all, he did say he was working tonight. You log into snap chat and see he’s in your recently uploaded feed. Hmmm.. that’s strange. He has time to make snap chat posts but can’t seem to answer your call to say that he’s busy and will call you back when he isn’t? You click to open the snap chat… it’s him. He’s in a car packed with the same people he said he was going to distance himself with doing the same habits he said he was going to quit. There screaming lyrics from a rapper you recognize passing along a bottle of Hennessy while saying things like “gang shit man”. You roll your eyes. Your custom to this type of stuff by now so you just shake your head at your reality. He calls you the next morning and just laughs knowing and prepared for the usual lectures you’re going to give him. And right on queue, you give them to him. Same old, same old. You could have sworn you had a similar conversation the week before. He as usually says yes to everything your saying and promises it was one night only. Just like he said last time. You mention that to him. He says “I know I know” and laughs and says he loves you, apologizes again and says to stop being so mad. You laugh at his humour. You can’t help but to smile and continue on like nothing had happened. You pretty much cannot stay mad at him even if your life depended on it. And he’s pretty much aware of that as well. Your friend approaches you and says apparently he’s speaking to another female. You laugh and say no he’s not and how the other girl is just delusional! Your friend shakes her head in disapproval and lays it all down for you. You start getting angry and hurt as your scrolling through the evidence. Your friend says “it’s the same old shit man.. didn’t he do this last time? Why are you constantly taking him back?”. You just say no, this time, it’s over. She rolls her eyes as if to say yeah you said that last time. But is too tired to even say it. You call and confront him and say its over and your tired of this bullshit. He starts taking over your voice and says “go ahead and believe everyone else. I don’t care. I know what I did.” You start saying you seen screenshots and ask him to stop lying. He pauses and says he only wanted something out of it all. And that is the only reason why he engaged in all of that. You and he start going back and forth for a few minutes. You hang up. He starts messaging you all this typical Bs he always writes. The typical ‘I love you’s.. the ‘Im sorry’.. ‘Please, I don’t want us fighting’. You let it cool off for a day or 2. Then decide to pick up his ongoing phone calls. He apologizes for the millionth time and gives one of his infamous “I’m going to change and that this is the last time.” You, for the millionth time, give your own infamous line and say “its okay, but if this happens again it’s over. I’m done.” Lol to that. You get off the phone with him. Looks like everything is pretty much settled! And again it looks like he has manipulated you for the millionth time. With just a couple overused lines and a pathetic “I’m sorry”. Ha, all it had to take for you to come running back! You think about all that has happened. You try weighing the good and the bad. You clearly could see that there is not much good to even put on the scale, so what really is the point for that scale right? You just shake your head and say no, he’s going to change and how he loves you. You call you friends… let them know about your phone call with him. They all instantly start with the “oh nooo”, “not again man not again” and the “I knew this was going to happen didn’t I tell you guys that”. You just simply say but I love him…

These are the type of relationships so many young females get themselves in. You know the guy is not good for you. You know things will probably never change. You know the way he treats you is not of deserving but still… you go right back to him each time. He knows it too. He knows no matter what he does it does not matter because he knows your always going to be right there with open arms ready to forgive him.

I just personally understand but also do not quite understand at the same time why a lot of young women stick around in these type of relationships. You probably have hopes that one-day things are magically going to change. He’s going to grow up and mature. He’s going to cut off all the bad influences in his life. Stop the drugs, drinking and partying. Is going to go back to school eventually. Is going to be the man you hoped he would be. But what I do not understand is why stick around? I understand you have hopes and see potential in him. But why be with someone that’s constantly disrespecting you? Dismembers your trust? Does not care for your words or takes any of them into consideration? Cheats on you with these other girls? Cheating is not only being in another relationship with another woman. There’s a lot of different types of cheating hun. It just does not make sense to me. Showing a man that he has the power to do what he wants when he wants it and that you will always be there ready to forgive him is the worst thing you can do when in a relationship. Because you’ve already established who boss and already shown your weakness. He thinks he has a power over you and you can’t blame him at the same time because you’re the one who bestowed the given powers to him. Your the one who said you can do this and that to me and I’m always going to be there ready to forgive you with one magic word… ‘sorry’.

Ever heard of the saying ‘you attract what you portray’? It’s a very fitting saying for this type of situations. Because you attracted only what you’ve portrayed. You’ve portrayed and labeled yourself as someone who’s weak, easily manipulatable and push over. So who is going to be attracted or who are you going to attract? People who are looking for that. You’re going to attract men that want a female with those type of characteristics. Someone they can easily walk all over but still have by their side. So forgive them for treating you like that. You gave them the right and you portrayed yourself as that type of person. No smart strong, independent and women attract men of that nature. That’s why men like that never bother even approaching them. They already know they won’t put up with the things there going to be doing. So they seek out women with little character, easy to manipulate and toss around as they please.

Leaving him is not going to be the answer to your questions nor the solution to your problems. It’s a step in the right direction but it’s not the entire thing. Working on yourself? Now that’s what you need to do. Why don’t you try and work on yourself? Learn your self-values, dignity, pride, limits, and given respects? A man can buy you diamonds and designer shoes but he can not buy or you self-value sweetheart. You have to give that to yourself. You can jump into another relationship without working out your own issues. And figuring out why it is that you’re constantly letting men walk over you and do as they please. You can hope that this new relationship will be different. And sometimes you can get lucky and you will get a good guy. But in most cases, that’s not it. You’ll either get someone a bit better than the previous guy. Or someone who’s about the same as him. Or even someone who was worse than the other guy! You’ll still have the same issues and problems you tried running away leading you to this new relationship. So what can you do to break this cycle? Or break this chain of reoccurrence?

Knowing your self-worth. That’s it. Knowing your self-worth is the answer and the key to your answer box. Knowing what your worth, what you deserve, what you need, what you want, what you will put up with and what you will not. What you deserve and not deserve is what you need to know. That’s what’s going to help you in deciding what you want and don’t want out of a relationship .What your will to settle or compromise. And what you will or will not put up with. Once you established and put in your brain your own personalized version of self-worth and what you deserve and do not. You’ll start seeing you character change and preference change when looking for a partner/ or spouse. You’ll start attracting a different type of men then you were custom to. Or when someone approaches you and they do not meet your standards or what you’re looking for you will kindly just say no thank you. Because you know you’re better than that and deserve someone better. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what’s good and bad for you. Especially when it comes to your heart and feelings. Let a man want to work towards being a better man for you and him, not you working around the issues and attempt at building this ‘better man’. This is not build a bear workshop. You can’t fix what’s already broken. Its up to him to change.. not you. You can’t sit around in hopes that things will change. You can’t sit around waiting for him to do the growing up he must have missed. He’s 20-23… how much more time does he really need ladies? Don’t wait around and pray for change when you know deep down that this is it. That this is as best as it is ever going to get. So it time for you to pack up, work on yourself, rebuild, refine, and define yourself as a person. Because your better than that and you do not need a man that’s 21 still saying things like “gang gang gang”! Like come on, how immature and adolescent like is that? How do you expect a man to treat you well respect you, respect your family, one day have a family of your own, and finically support you? When all he does is laugh about life and get into trouble? That to me doesn’t sound like a man.. that sounds more like a little boy. Also, ladies look at his surroundings. You can get a lot of information and what a man’s about just by glancing at his surroundings. If the people he rolls with is boys who do not have anything going for them, no jobs, sells drugs, disgustingly disrespectful, parties his life away, affiliated with gangs , reps his “hood”, screams things like “free the gang”, “fuck the opps” or anything of that nature. Honey! Stop fooling yourself. He’s probably somewhat or exactly like those guys. You are who you surround yourself with. No educated, dreamful, respectful, family oriented, wise, intelligent, career driven or education driven man is going to ever associate himself with other men of that sort. So keep in mind.

So just a recap because I have been blabbing for too long. If you in your heart right now feel like your in a relationship where it sounds similar or is the one I mentioned… I’ll let you decide on what you should or should not do. Work on your morals and familiarize yourself with your self-worth and deservings. And you can take it from there. Relationships aren’t a 1-way thing. It has to be an effort by both parties and not just one.