Behind The Mask

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No edits. No filter. No makeup (just a tad BB cream). No props. No nothing. Just me. Anisa.

After years of struggling with being afraid of what people might think or say to me after they see me bearing no makeup or what I like to call my mask because I was constantly hiding behind it just like someone who would wear a mask. I am finally at a place in life where I genuinely can say I am completely happy and comfortable with the way I look with or without makeup. I am no longer ashamed of my face. I no longer feel like I need to wear regularly my mask I liked to hide behind. I am no longer afraid of what females would have to say about me. Alternatively, what boys would have to say about me? I am no longer scared of being called a “catfish,” “cake face,” “Deceiver” or any other malicious words to bash me for my looking without makeup. There would be times where I would not even feel comfortable going to a local mall that’s about a 3-5 minute walk from my house because I was terrified of running into anyone I might know. Afraid of what they might think or say to me. The typical “wow you look so different!”, “I could hardly recognize you!” or just a plain and simple “wow… is that you Anisa?” any one of those would do it. So I never did. Never once would leave without putting on my mask that I hid behind. Anytime I would have a friend over I would slap on some light makeup so I would still have something on, and my flaws (my skin discoloration) would be covered. I would never and I mean never FaceTime, Skype or any other video calling network if I did not have on my mask. No, if, and’s, or buts! Either I would tell them I will call them back then run to the washroom to apply some light makeup or just flat out say no and make up an excuse as to why I could not. How sad is that? Literally, how sad is that’. How is it that I am so ashamed of my own face and frightened by the possible rude comments I may or may not get after someone sees the difference when I am not wearing my mask. It came to the point where I would never allow anyone besides family members to see me without my mask on. Because I could not bear what people would say to me. Especially when men are always saying things like ” the First date I am taking her swimming,” “I cannot trust girls who wear makeup” or “If you did not see your girl without her makeup is she really your girl?”. Also, females bashing and saying “omg she is a catfish you should see her without her makeup” or “she is not even pretty it is only the cake on her face.” So how could I not be conscious and a bit scared of what people might say? Especially when I constantly (and now from time to time) battle with caring too much about what he/or she has to say. It was not so much that I thought I was hideous or ugly. I never really thought of myself as an ugly person (not being conceited) or really thought of myself as a beautiful. However, rather what people would say to me. I think that is my biggest down all. I care way- way-way-way way too much about what people think/say/or do about me or to me. I have spent years and years so caught up on people. Moreover, what they have to say. What he might say to me. What she might say to me. I was so terrified of being called nasty names or being hit with the “she went from _ to a _.” When your at the age that I am at its hard to not care about what people might say about you. No one wants to be bashed. Alternatively, labeled. Alternatively, taunted or teased. Especially for something they desperately do not want to be teased over. For me, that is my looking without my mask. My mask was like a safety blanket for me. No one can say anything to me. No one can hurt me. No one can do anything to me because I felt safe and protected. It acted like a safety blanket for me. So I never did pay any mind to it. Didn’t notice or pay much mind to this issue because I was custom to the drills. Wake it up. Apply the mask. Start my day. Simple. I dodged every one. Make sure to keep it up. Simple. Didn’t go anywhere without my mask. Made sure no one can say anything about me because no one has seen me without my makeup. However, this year after a lot that has happened, a lot that has changed, many milestones that have occurred (example; starting post-secondary), me evolving as a person both physically and mentally, me growing up and starting to see things more different than in the past. I started feeling comfortable with myself. I do not remember a significant date or a period where I suddenly started feeling like I did not constantly feel like I needed to wear my mask. It just happened naturally? I would just go to some locations without my mask like the local mall would be an example. I would allow my friends to come over to my house and hang out with or without me having it on. Little by little you know? I think it is because after so long of keeping up this whole thing it gets tiring right? Having to wake up a bit early before school to apply my mask. Lets’ say I have a 8 am class. I would wake up around 5:30 so I can have at least 20-30 minutes of time to apply my makeup to my liking. Which is annoying because I could have woken up at 6 and had an extra 30 minutes of sleep. 30 minutes of sleeping is much needed when you are a full-time student! Trust me. You need all the extra sleep you can get. So anyway. Hiding behind my mask got tiring. Making sure no one sees me without my mask it gets tiring. It just gets tiring. After months of trying to better myself as a person, better my relationship with my Lord, and with those I love. I started feeling more comfortable with myself. Accepting that I will never have the clearest skin and that is okay. I do not have the thickest eyebrows, and that is totally fine. I have dark under eyes, and that is okay! I am sure I am not the only one that does right? Accepting myself than loving myself was the first few steps in the right direction. I did not seek my mask to have a sense of safety and comfort no more. I was seeking bettering myself, bettering my relationships, bettering my faith, and bettering my morals. Moreover, that acted as my new safety blanket. I felt comfortable with myself because I finally felt like I have this sense of self-awareness. Was I on a journey to find myself I guess? Lol, that sounds so corny but seriously tho. Just to speed up the story for times sake, I just want to say to that girl. That girl that can relate to what I am saying. That there is no other you. There is no one out there even close to you. You’re one of a kind. Everyone is different. Everyone has flaws. No one and I mean no one is perfect in this world are without flaws. Not those girls showed all over the media. Not Beyonce. Not Rihanna. Not Jennifer Lopez. No one. Everyone has their own shit there battling. Whether it be financial problems. Family problems. Health Problems. Everyone is struggling with something. Moreover, for myself its perception and what people think and self-confidence. You too might be struggling with similar if not exactly what I was struggling and still occasionally struggle with. Moreover, that is okay. The first step in the right direction is accepting and coming to terms with your issues. Moreover, then you can take it from there. The only advice I can give you is this because it benefited me a lot and I hope it does the same for you. Your you, and your never going to be anything but you. So love you because you are never going to leave or be replaced. You are forever is going to be stuck with yourself. Moreover, when you have no one around you. No one to be there for you. The only person you will have is YOU. Not your boyfriend, not your mom, not your dad, not your siblings, not your friends, no one. No one but you. So love yourself. Care for yourself. Love your perfections and love your imperfections. Because as cheesy as this may sound your, your own unique way of perfection. You just have to see that. Once you start loving yourself and being comfortable with yourself no one, and I mean no one’s words can affect you. Because you have already loved and accept yourself. It is like someone going to a mother and them saying negative things about their child to them. Whether what the person is saying may or may not be true would it ever change her love and affection for her child? No. Because she loves her child. For all their good and their bad. Its the same thing with you. When someone comes to you or you hear something someone has to said about/or to you it would not affect you because you have already accepted and loved the flaws their trying to point, poke taunt and tease at. Whether it be your acne, your nose, your flawed skin, your lips, etc. Life is too short to waste it on people. Moreover, trying to please them. How about you try to please yourself? You do not need makeup to make yourself feel and look better. Work on your character. Work on your inner self. Not your outer self. Because your outer self has already been made and developed. Your nose has already been made so you cannot change that. However, your character can always evolve and change. Work on that. Work on your confidence. Work on making your inner you a beautiful person. Not the outer you. Inner beauty is more valuable than your outer beauty. Trust me, outer beauty fades but inner beauty doesn’t. So again. Work on yourself. Do not hide or run from yourself. Love yourself before anyone can love you.
Everyone is different. Everyone has flaws. No one and I mean no one is perfect in this world is without flaws. Not those girls shown all over the media. Not Beyonce. Not Rihanna. Not Jennifer Lopez. No one. Everyone has their own shit there battling. Whether it be financial problems. Family problems. Health Problems. Everyone is struggling with something. And for myself its perception and what people think and self confidence. You too might be struggling with similar if not exactly what I was struggling and still occasionally struggle with. And thats okay. The first step in the right direction is accepting and coming to terms with your issues. And then you can take it from there. The only advice I can give you is this because it benefited me a lot and I hope it does the same for you. Your you, and your never going to be anything but you. So love you because you is never going to leave or be replaced. Your forever going to be stuck with yourself. And when you have no one around you. No one to be there for you. The only person you will have is YOU. Not your boyfriend, not your mom, not your dad, not your siblings, not your friends, no one. No one but you. So love yourself. Care for yourself. Love your perfections and love your imperfections. Because as cheesy as this may sound your, your own unique way of perfection. You just have to see that. Once you start loving yourself and being comfortable with yourself no one and I mean no ones words can affect you. Because you have already loved and accept yourself. Its like someone going to a mother and them saying negative things about their child to them. Whether what the person is saying may or may not be true would it ever change her love and affection for her child? No. Because she loves her child. For all their good and their bad. It is the same thing with you. When someone comes to you or you hear something someone has to said about/or to you it will not affect you because you have already accepted and loved the flaws their trying to point, poke taunt and tease at. Whether it be your acne, your nose, your flawed skin, your lips, etc.  Life is too short to waste it on people. And trying to please them. How about you try to please yourself? You do not need makeup to make yourself feel and look better. Work on your character. Work on your inner self. Not your outer self. Because your outer self-has already been made and developed. Your nose has already been made so you can’t change that. But your character can always evolve and change. Work on that. Work on your confidence. Work on making your  inner you a beautiful person. Not the outer you. Inner beauty is more valuable then your outer beauty.  Trust me, outer beauty fades but inner beauty doesn’t. So again. Work on yourself. Do not hid or run from yourself. Love yourself before anyone can love you.

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